The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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