At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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