I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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