Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Well I just put wine in my tea
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Randomize
