It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
