he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
