Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Randomize
