So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
