Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
