Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
