Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
just tell him i said nine months
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
