i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
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