Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
