i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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