my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
