Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
