Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Randomize
