this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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