They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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