I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
