Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
