u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
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