Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
