I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Your dad touched me again.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
