I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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