Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Randomize
