i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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