I can't watch pbs sober anymore
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
