My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Pooping to opera.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
