Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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