Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
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