How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
