Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Randomize
