i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize