What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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