my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
