why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
