omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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