I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
