i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Randomize
