omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I look better un-naked...
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
