half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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