note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Randomize
