Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Randomize
