i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Randomize
