never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
