I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
