Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
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