is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
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