he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I FOUND THE LEGS
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
