and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
