I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
