And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
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