we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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