I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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