i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
She even gives head with a lisp.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize